A Moment of Struggle

As I've already explained, this is mostly a question/answer blog. Friends, classmates, co-workers, family, ask me various questions (sometimes repeatitively) and I write my answers up on here for them to read. Recently, people have continued to ask me questions but for some reason I haven't had the motivation to write my answers.

So instead, here is a slightly different type of post. I'll share with you what's going on in my head right now. I'm going through a moment of struggle. For the last 2 weeks I haven't wanted to attend Meeting. I felt tired and really like I couldn't face it, so I didn't go. Can you believe it? I spend a whole year at university wishing I could go to Meeting, I finally get the opportunity and I don't want to. On top of that, I've had difficulty feeling secure in my faith recently. I spent some time with some Muslim friends of friends who asked me about what I believe. I am interested in understanding Islam, but let me say now that I have no intention or desire to convert. My point is, that through speaking to them and hearing about what they believe, they know what that is and where they're going.

To explain that more clearly, they know what they believe about God, about angels, about the prophets, about salvation, about prayer. They asked me about Jesus, why he came to 'pay the price for our sins'. That made me realise that I have no idea why. It sounds fantastic that Jesus paid the price for our sins, died so we don't have to. But we still die. So what did that achieve? Why is the shedding of blood and death required for salvation and forgiveness? That wasn't the case in the Old Testament. If we still die, how come we aren't paying for our own sins at that point? It made me realise I don't understand this enough.

The Muslims I spent time with also knew what it was to be a Muslim. It wasn't just about believing, which they did, but also about praying, giving to charity, reading the Qur'an. I have no idea what a Christian should do in everyday life. That might sound stupid, but what I mean is in comparison to Jews and Muslims, what should a Christian do day to day? Read the Bible, ok. Pray... pray how? For what? When? How often? What else? Say you're sorry, ok. Then what? Be compassionate, give to charity, ok and what else? Christianity looks like a bit of a cop-out in comparison to other religions. Try to help out others, give to charity, volunteer, pray for your sins, forgive others and you are a Christian going to Heaven. Seems like you don't really do anything and you've got an easy way out compared to other religions. Christianity teaches that it isn't about works whether or not you are saved. But after you're saved, then what?

So right now, I'm a little confused. Unintentionally, these kind, friendly people have shaken my world. What I thought I understood and had complete faith in, isn't currently making enough sense to me. I need to know why there is a Trinity, why a human/blood sacrifice is needed to atone for sin, why we need a saviour when "the wages for sin is death" and we still die. Where 'original sin' came from and why these New Testament teachings don't seem to comply with Old Testament teachings. Until I do, I feel like a hypocrite. Trying to explain why Christianity is true when all of a sudden I don't understand it myself. And I hope the path I find to be true isn't influenced by the embarrassment of having to hold my hands up and say I was wrong.